Study shows Chinese spitting leading to sea-level rise

Who conducted the study?

Me

What authority do I have?

My brother has his PhD and my cousin is working at NASA

The very technical results that you probably won’t be able to understand, you dimwit:

Geeze, they sure do spit a lot.

I like to think of myself as an open-minded, culturally sensitive fella who doesn’t lump 1.3 Billion people under the pronoun “they.” But today, this happened:

My hotel room in Yichang is on the 15th floor and I heard a voice that sounded like it was standing just outside my window. This puzzled me. I went to the window – nobody. I looked below me – nobody. I finally pin-pointed the voice to be directly above me. My curiosity satisfied, I pulled my head in fractions of a second before a big ol’ loogey zoomed by. He was aiming for me. I didn’t dare chance a menacing look up at the spitter for fear he had another locked and loaded. I did the next best thing. I stuck out my arm as far as I could and gave him the finger.

I’m not saying all the people in China are spitters, but on average I see about 63 spitting incidents/day, most of which aren’t of malicious intent. Today, I even saw someone spit onto carpet. Is it the polluted air? A fascination with Baseball (but there’s much less crotch adjusting)? Who knows?

According to my research half of Chinese people aren’t spitters, but those who are do so multiple times/day. Building upon this study, here are the numbers:

Number of spitters: .65 billion
Volume of spit: 3 grams
Avg. # of spits/day per person: 10

30 grams X .65 billion = 19.5 billion grams = 19,500 tonnes of spit/day. That’s a “spit load” of spit. And to think Al Gore didn’t even mention this in his movie.

Note: My math is a little fuzzy and I actually do have better things to do than figure out the specific weight of spit to convert this number into a volume. All you scientists out there take this idea and run with it. I smell world changing research in your future. Or maybe that’s just the pollution.